Limiting Beliefs, Candles, and the Real Power of What We Choose to Believe
Yesterday, I was at the birthday celebration of our spiritual studio space in Vilnius. We had cake, candles, and joyful singing — but something odd happened. One of the birthday candles went out, and someone said, “Oh no, we didn’t blow it out!” To which another woman replied, very seriously, “You’re not supposed to blow out candles.”
We asked her why, but she couldn’t say — just that she’d heard you’re not supposed to. That moment really stayed with me. Because it’s a perfect example of how spiritual beliefs can become limiting — not just for ourselves, but for others, especially when we repeat something without even knowing why.
The Monkey and the Ladder: A Warning from Psychology
This reminds me of a well-known psychological experiment. A group of monkeys were put in a room with a ladder and bananas at the top. Each time a monkey tried to climb the ladder, the whole group would get sprayed with cold water by the researchers. Eventually, they all stopped trying. Then the researchers turned off the spray system and started replacing the monkeys, one by one. Every time a new monkey tried to go for the bananas, the others would beat him up — even though the spraying had long stopped. Eventually, none of the monkeys left had ever been sprayed, but they still attacked any monkey who went for the bananas.
Why? Because “that’s just how it is.” No one remembered the reason. No one questioned it. They just enforced it.
This Happens in Spiritual Circles Too
In spirituality, this happens constantly. People pass on teachings or taboos they don’t understand — and then get upset when others don’t follow them. This is dangerous. If you don’t fully understand a practice, and you still tell others to follow it, you’re not just spreading a belief — you’re reinforcing a system of blind obedience.
Let’s take the candle example further. The actual belief about not blowing out candles stems from certain traditions where candles on altars or used in ceremony represent sacred fire spirits. In these contexts, it's often said that it’s disrespectful to blow them out; instead, they should be snuffed or allowed to burn out naturally. If that belief deepens your reverence and connection to the fire element — beautiful. That can become a meaningful ritual. But if you don't know why you're doing it, it loses it's purpose. And then when it’s applied to a birthday cake candle — and no one even knows why — it’s just dogma, not devotion.
The Power of Birthday Candle Wishes
In fact, birthday candles hold a very different kind of collective belief: that when you blow them out, you get to make a wish. This is incredibly powerful! It may be one of the few times each year when people who don't otherwise engage in any kind of manifestation practice are invited to focus their intention and voice a dream for their life. That’s no small thing.
Even people who consider themselves non-spiritual often carry this belief — and it’s a positive one. When you take a moment to think deeply about what you desire, you move closer to creating it. That moment of joyful, hopeful wishing is a kind of magic. And we risk tainting it when we replace it with a rule based in fear or confusion.
Beliefs Shape Reality — Not Just in Spiritual Spaces
This concept goes even deeper. In shadow work, energy work, or dreamwork, beliefs literally shape the experience. If you believe a dark force has entered you and can only be removed by someone else, then that becomes true in your reality. If you believe you can clear it yourself with visualization or intention, that becomes true too. What you believe governs your access to your own power — or your dependence on others.
But this doesn’t just apply to spiritual spaces. It applies to everyday life. If you believe you can’t build an app, you won’t even try. If you believe you’re not capable of creating something new, you’ll unconsciously sabotage your own efforts. Even when you do try, if your belief is “I’ll fail anyway,” you’ll likely put in less energy, attention, or creativity — almost as if to prove yourself right. And if you think coca cola is poison, you will actually face more harm when drinking it than the next guy that sees coca cola as just a drink. You will be making nocebo work against you with your belief.
Yet, as history has shown time and time again, if you’re “just crazy enough” to believe you can do the impossible, you might be the one who actually does it.
Limiting Beliefs Passed Between People
Another important theme: we must be very careful about pushing our beliefs onto others. Even something that resonates deeply with you might not be helpful for someone else. Some people genuinely benefit from strict structure; others thrive with freedom and fluidity. Different worldviews can be equally valid. This is one of the biggest sources of conflict in the world: the attempt to create a single, universal belief system that everyone must follow.
It’s especially harmful when we pass on negative or limiting beliefs. Saying something like “that’s bad for you” without context, reason, or nuance — especially to someone new to the spiritual path — can create long-lasting guilt, fear, or confusion. These little beliefs can accumulate like invisible shackles.
The Deep Impact of Collective Beliefs
This is not just abstract. It has real-world, physical consequences. Think about how things like homophobia, racism, and bigotry are often embedded in people from a young age — not because of lived experience, but because of the belief systems they inherited. These beliefs are shaped by parents, environments, and culture, and then passed down without question. And they lead to real harm — to people being bullied, excluded, even taking their own lives.
We’ve seen how quickly this can happen in society. There is a well-known experiment conducted in a school classroom where a teacher divided children based on their eye color and created a belief system: she told the class that blue-eyed children were better — smarter, cleaner, and more trustworthy — while brown-eyed children were lazy, unintelligent, and unreliable. Very quickly, a dynamic of superiority and inferiority emerged: the blue-eyed children began to mistreat the brown-eyed ones. The next day, the roles were reversed — and the same dynamic developed again, this time with the brown-eyed children acting superior. The experiment was later repeated with adults and produced identical results. All it took was a single externally imposed belief — completely disconnected from reality — and the group began to behave according to it. A belief system forms quickly, and with it, social behavior shifts. That’s how easily a distorted reality can be created.
Belief also changes perception. It’s said that when European ships first arrived on the shores of the Americas, many Indigenous people literally couldn’t see them — not because they were blind, but because they had no concept of such ships, and the mind couldn’t process what it had never imagined. Whether myth or metaphor, it illustrates a real truth: what we believe filters what we see.
In abusive relationships, cults, or under propaganda, belief systems can fully alter people’s perception of the world — and the world around them physically changes to reflect those beliefs. Society structures, laws, and lived experiences shift. The lie becomes the reality. And no one dares question it.
So What Do We Do?
We question. We ask why. We reflect. And we let go of beliefs that don’t serve, that don’t make sense, that don’t feel true. Especially in spiritual circles, we need to be mindful. Not everything passed down is sacred just because it’s old. Not every tradition should be followed just because it has history.
And for those who are new to the spiritual path: trust yourself. If something doesn’t resonate with you, or you don’t understand why it’s being done — ask. And if you don’t get a clear or grounded answer, don’t blindly believe it. Even if it comes from the most ancient book, the most respected guru or the seer claiming to be able to see the future. Be especially wary of those who claim to have the absolute universal truth.
You shape your reality.