My dark night of the soul

Yesterday I realized that I wanted to write this share and, as often happens to me in such cases, I woke up in the middle of the night with the text being formed in my mind and could not fall asleep. So I am slowly writing this as the new day is being born.

This weekend I went to a women's retreat hosted by Selva and had a very new experience for me. The purpose of this retreat is to go deeper, to meet your difficult emotions, your shadow. And the entire retreat was very easy for me, I felt a lot of joy and a deep, grounded peace. Most of the time in my life, I travel to practices when there is some kind of problem or to hold space for others, so it is a rare thing for me to experience joy, when I consciously try to go towards pain. This experience was a confirmation for me that I was able to find my way to a deeply harmonious and grounded path. And that's a very good feeling. And with this, I felt it was time for a long overdue sharing about what happened to me when I was severely lacking grounding on my spiritual path.

3 years ago, when my child was just over half a year old, I was on a complete high. Although the world was afraid of the corona virus, I also saw in this collective process useful themes of purification. I didn't feel any difficult postpartum emotions, I really felt better than ever in my life, I took various courses and did spiritual practices at full capacity. I felt deeply and felt a lot. Like a leaf blown in any direction by the wind, I easily took on the emotions of others. Once a friend wrote to me about her deeply confused experiences and I myself felt the ground begin to slip from under my feet, I could sense, how depending on my inner state, I traveled through different realities, the change of which I could see instantly for a good week. I experienced some amazingly beautiful connections with various spirit guides, I felt closer to them than ever before. I have never heard their messages so deeply.

And then, feeling in such an elevated mood, I read Teal Swan's book. She shared a very simple meditation practice. I had done it many times before, but it used to be only for a few minutes. And here the recommendation was to do that meditation "to the end", until a change really happens. I realized that I have never really given time for my emotions "to the end". Whenever I was in some kind of spiritual therapy consultation and tried to follow the emotion and go deeper, it ended up that the person who was guiding me would just end the session mid-emotion, because it was taking too long. I realized that no one else would give me the time I needed to fully feel what I was feeling if I didn't give it to myself. And I just decided to be with my feelings, sensations and emotions until the end. Even if I would need to spend 3 days in practice. I remember this thought and then it (ironically) manifested itself when I had forgotten it.

So one night, after the family was asleep, I was just laying in bed and started meditating. I meditated for a long time, about 3 hours, and reached what I clearly felt was the end of the meditation: the confirmation that I had gotten what I wanted. The feeling was that the whole body began to vibrate in the experience of a cosmic orgasm. It even seemed that my body (or my soul) became lighter and it seemed as if I rose a little to such a pleasant state of weightlessness. And then there was one childhood memory that I remembered until then, but until then that memory was in black and white and with a certain beginning and end beyond which I no longer remembered. And now it appeared extremely bright, with colors and full of sensations. And much more complete I saw very clearly that what I had held all my life as the real memory and truth had been quite severely cropped and this cropping quite severely distorted the emotional picture of that experience. It intrigued me to no end. For several days, I integrated this experience and that memory, finding a place for it again on the shelves of my life's memories, only now for this full, colorful memory, that had a different effect on my relationship with one of my parents. And then I decided to repeat the meditation. I set aside one more night for such self-exploration. The experience was identical, only this time not one, but five memories surfaced just as vividly and deeply. Interestingly, not all of them were traumatic. Some were very pleasant and fun. And all of them changed my relationship with loved ones. Because I realized that a lot of what I thought I remembered, was not the whole truth - it was conveniently trimmed so that I could feel the emotions I felt in relation to my parents or relatives and they would not be too complicated (for example, the memory of when my mother once got undeservedly angry with me and hit me until this resurfacing of memories ended here, but after seeing its full version , I also saw how my mother got scared when she realized that I really didn't do anything wrong, how she immediately apologized and said that she made a mistake and did something wrong and tried to correct the situation).

I was extremely interested in this experience. What is locked in our subconscious? What seems to us to be the real truth? How can we deceive ourselves? Like some journalists who take and cut the footage in a convenient way to create huge headlines where drama might not have actually existed. I also saw how certain words or actions of adults left imprints in the subconscious and even if I could not remember certain things until now, how they created certain "programs" - beliefs about myself, the world, other people and how it still affected my life even in adulthood. It was an absolutely amazing experience and after getting a taste for it, I wanted to travel even deeper.

Then I had a ceremony with the plant spirits. Since it was a night practice, there was a lack of sleep these days. I know that many people, who have heard something about my dark night of the soul, believe that it happened to me precisely because of this practice, because of plants. It honestly didn't. But the plant ceremony, could have added some weight to it in that my subconscious mind was more open and also the lack of sleep could have reinforced the experience. Also the fact that I had a yound child could have meant that I had a particular hormonal cocktail in my body that also strengthened the experience.

So, already fully back to earth after the meeting with the plants, but not yet fully recovered physically (I didn't have time to eat and sleep enough) after a day of resting, I did this meditation practice for the third time. This time something very unexpected happened. Instead of one or several memories coming up, my whole subconscious opened up. This means that I started having memories resurfacing non-stop. Some of them were beautiful, but many were traumatic or those that left a trail of limiting negative beliefs. The process, when I could only stop for a snack and a little nap, and all the rest of the time I just vividly saw the memories coming one after another, lasted about 3 days (just like my original "order" that I would spend 3 more days if necessary). Very interesting things happened during this time. I'm not one to talk to my parents on the phone often, but both my mom and my dad called during this process to share big events. During those days, life-changing decisions or events happened to my father, mother, and brother. I clearly felt and saw how this work with the "hacking" of subconscious programs changes the reality not only of my brother, but also of my relatives. I experienced a state close to enlightenment. But at the same time, this experience lacked one key element - grounding.

I wanted to hack all those programs for a while, so I decided to ignore my fears and the societal rules. I started behaving very impulsively and out of character for me. I felt invulnerable. Until I fell off the electric scooter and realized that you don't have to go through fear, and it can be a very useful tool reminding you to slow down a little and treat yourself more gently and carefully. :)

I began to see the astral, hear messages from the collective consciousness, feel a connection with everything.

I felt very strongly the spiritual truth that everything is happening because of me and for me. But, bearing in mind that at that time the pandemic was at its peak and there were many very complicated and difficult things, I also took responsibility for all of them. And it didn't take long for this elated state to turn into utter terror. While experiencing a lot of magic during the day, I began to feel much heavier energies at night. When I tried to sleep, I could hear the pain of many people. Those who are alive and those who are long gone. For example, once I had to be near children being suffocated in gas chambers and hear their cries. Another time I physically felt myself being burned with cigarette buds and lighters. And it happened every night. I could not fall asleep. Therefore, I had no time to rest, and the experience became more and more psychedelic and more and more terrifying. I fell into the channel of shame, unworthiness, fears. I began to pray to close my third eye and these heightened senses. Finally, I began to feel the absolute meaninglessness of life. I prayed for death. I was in quite a special prison because people who are in too much pain often think that suicide is the way out. I, meanwhile, fully believing in reincarnation, and in the fact that if we don't learn a lesson, we have to do it again, realized that if I left like this, I would have to do it again, and probably even worse.

I did a lot of stupid things. Sometimes there was a great fear and an impulse to run. I used to run into the forest causing concern to my relatives. And when I was in the forest, I realized that I had nowhere to run. And so I would let them find me. I wanted to get back to my normal reality at all costs, because I felt that this psychedelic world just meant that I had gone through the wrong door at some point and I just needed to find some kind of return channel. Or maybe it's a dream and I'm about to wake up? Maybe this is some kind of experience at the ceremony, that people sometimes have, where they feel they are stuck in some weird loop forever? Maybe I got into some kind of accident and now I'm in a coma and that's why I feel like I'm in this crazy maze from which I can't find a way out?...

And what do you need to do to wake up in a dream? - at least in my experience, do crazy stuff. Of course, the best way is to die. It's good that I don't have the courage to commit suicide. That's why I just prayed for death. Once I had to drive alone from point A to point B. I sat behind the wheel and said to God: "look, now is a great opportunity. I will not stop. Put some serious obstacle in my path and let me die quickly. After all, I can't do anything useful for this world in this state. I'm just wasting its resources (eating, drinking, defecating in clean water, cleaning up after it with paper (killing trees))" - I felt completely useless, at a very, very low point of self-worth. Like some parasite. And on this trip I had a very interesting experience, which I took as a kind of message. Because there actually was an obstacle in my path. Two dogs ran right in front of the car. And I was driving really fast and I didn't brake. And they managed to avoid getting hit. Nothing happened. I just clearly felt the adrenaline rush. And inside I heard the message "yes, I can put an obstacle in your path. You could have died today. But now is not your time. You still have a mission on this earth even if you don't feel like you are capable of anything right now. I still need you here." . From that day I stopped praying for death. Although I still did not believe in myself at all, I felt that for some incomprehensible reason God considered me necessary for this earth.

Another very important realization also came. That I won't find a magic door that will allow me to return to my old reality. All I can do is move forward. I can achieve a harmonious reality, but it will not be the same. Because you can only go forward on this journey. It was also very relaxing: I stopped doing nonsense hoping that this would be the magic move that would bring me back.

Days, weeks, even months passed. The whole experience left me with a deep depression. For me, the instant manifestation of thoughts was too much responsibility, when the thoughts were sometimes quite crazy and dark. The fact that I scared all my relatives and caused them difficult emotions and fears was also terrible for me. I have never wanted to spread darkness around. I started to be afraid to move, to think. I was really afraid of everything. I was afraid of getting out of bed on the wrong foot. I was afraid of dropping breadcrumbs on the ground while eating. I was afraid of thinking the wrong thought.

At that time, it was winter, that "phase" of the pandemic, when it was forbidden to go even to the neighboring city. And we were living with relatives at the time, where my lower-than-dirt self-esteem was very technically held down at this low point by the relatives that we were living with. Also, there was always news on in the background. Which always broadcast negative information. Which seemed to me to be my fault at the time... well, it's no wonder that even though I had made the necessary realizations and learned many deep lessons, I was not successful in getting out of that depression.

Now I want to share briefly about my experiences with various healers etc. It was just interesting to experience it and see how people work differently with a really difficult situation :)

So, the first person I visited was a psychologist with a lot of experience with such psychedelic psychosis. I talked to him a lot, it was a very strange experience for me there, but one thing he said was like a lifeline helping me barely stay above water in a huge storm. He said something like this: "the whole subconscious has opened up to you. It's difficult because we have it for a reason and we normally don't remember everything at once for a reason. For our consciousness, experiencing all our memories is too much information. But our brain is a very smart and powerful instrument. Although for you it now seems that something inside you is broken, maybe irreparably, actually, right now your mind is putting everything back on the shelves, organizing it. And it may seem that nothing is changing, that it's only getting worse, but sometimes, when we are cleaning and organizing something, it can seem like them mess is growing and becoming bigger than ever before, but then we put everything in new places and order comes back in. Know that it may take time, but your brain will put everything back together." I never connected with this man after that experience, but I certainly feel a deep gratitude to him for this wisdom and that ray of hope that ignited and shone through the whole experience.

Then we also turned to a very popular shaman among our friends. The experience with him was strange. I had to communicate with him online and with a translator. It is worth mentioning here that at that time I was very afraid of all technology, I had some manifestations of paranoid schizophrenia and this feeling of being watched. These cameras and recording equipment were very difficult to handle. I had to overcome that already. Then I explained how I felt to this shaman. He said he couldn't help me unless I did a few chores for a few days. And that list of things to do was weird. The first things were logical: physical movement, enough liquid to drink, but he continued the list and started saying complete nonsense. Well, I thought maybe this was some sort of test or something, so I did those basic things for those few days. Although they did seem quite pointless to me. And it took a lot of strength to force myself to do it. And after those few days when I called and told how I felt, I got the answer "You can't be helped. You're more dead than alive. You're wasting my time." I wasn't surprised or even disappointed. But there was one interesting moment. That I knew that something was wrong with me. But during the conversation, it seemed to me that something was wrong between the interpreter and the shaman as well or maybe even more so. He would say one thing (well, I don't understand everything, but I understand enough to get the point), and she would translate something different. It was very strange to watch. Of course, I thought, maybe I'm projecting something here and imagining something that doesn't exist. But after a couple of days, when I received a letter that they decided not to work together anymore, I got at least a minimal "boost" of confidence in my attentiveness. :)

Then we went to a Lithuanian healer recommended by a friend. This was a hilarious experience. As soon as I entered through the door to this weird Soviet-style furnished room, an elderly, very cold man introduced himself (I didn't feel any warmth or some kind of grandfatherly energy): "My name is healer so-and-so, you probably know me from TV, because I am very famous, I was there on so-and-so show and I am very strong healer". Okay... Red flags much? xD

Then he came to me and touched my top and started to lift it, I jumped back and said "don't touch me", he said "what material is this top made of? Maybe you can take it off, it's hard for me to work through synthetics". "No, I can't take it off and please don't touch me" [wtf???]. He had ordered water to be brought for "charging it up". Then he started to do some kind of meditation to go into my system and check what's wrong with me. But I really didn't like his energy and approach, so I immediately started creating a protective field, a shield, calling my guides to protect me and not let any of his energy in. I felt completely at peace because even at my lowest state I honestly knew full well that I could protect myself from this person because I was energetically stronger. After finishing the meditation (which seemed very illogical to me) he gave us that water and walked us out the door. I think it is relevant here that my husdband (Linas) gave him 50 euros. My husband and I went out the door and after walking a little from that place we spoke at the same time. Me: "I really won't drink this water" and Linas: "maybe I should throw it in the container?". At that time, I felt very little joy, but this kind of tiny childish connection allowed me to feel the emotion of joy for a few seconds. I am grateful to that healer for that :) a few hours later the healer called and asked when we would come again. Linas said that we will not come. The healer was disappointed, even a little angry. Then he called the next day. And he said "if you don't come to me, then go straight to the oncology clinic or you'll be burrying her within a month." I am very glad that I knew that he really could not enter my structures because I meditated on the protection, I am glad that I felt that I was stronger than him, because otherwise, maybe if I had not been on the spiritual path for so long, such a tactic could really cause illness. It's like a threat, a negative manifestation. In other words, terribly unprofessional.

We also visited a psychiatrist. He said that if I wasn't breastfeeding, I would have to be locked up in a mental institution. Now I would definitely need to start taking antidepressants. And this state now would be the new normal, I would have to accept the fact that every fall and spring there will be an aggravation. Thank you for your opinion, mr doctor. And thanks to Linas that he didn't buy me those antidepressants after all.

Then there were two truly "attention-worthy" Lithuanian lady healers. As soon as the process started, Linas turned to the astrologer Angelina Zolotorienia. Without elaborating, he asked her to see what the stars and planets were saying about my situation. She said "when there is such an arrangement, there can be serious challenges with health, but for women it especially often affects the psyche, psychological issues are very likely. This time it will last for 3-4 months. After that, next autumn there may be a wave and then this will calm down." I'm glad I managed to avoid that autumn wave. But I will share how it worked out later :)

Another lady is named Love. Linas called her and said this is the situation with his wife, she asked him "does your wife want help, can she call me and ask for help?", he asked me this question. And I honestly felt a certain respect for myself from her and after deeply asking myself if I wanted to go to her now, I felt that I didn't. He told this to her. And she answered "Then I can't help her, because when we help without being asked to, we create negative karma for ourselves. But she's not the only one who needs help. It's a challenging time for you too. Do you want help?". Linas answered "well, how can you help me" - "if you sit down now, I can conduct a meditation for you, I will connect to the channel and see what information will come", he agreed and as soon as she started conducting the meditation, he began to cry, tears just flowing. After the meditation, she shared that a very beautiful process is now taking place. That this is not the first life that we have been together, but it was not always completely harmonious, that in past reincarnations we had common dark experiences and this time we decided to cleanse them. That's what this process is for. And everything will end well.

Well, but what really helped me then?... of course, the important thing is that even though he himself experienced a really huge test, Linas patiently took care of me at that time. And he also had the brilliant idea to go to Tenerife. I didn't believe that we would fly out, I thought that there would be positive covid tests or that something will not work out and we won't be able to go anywhere. But everything worked out. And after going there, getting away from the controlling environment, getting sunlight (vit D) and relaxation of the mind that was possible in a place where I couldn't understand the language (because if I was walking down the street in Lithuania and heard some conversation that wasn't about me, part of my brain still processed it as very important information and gave it meaning, which was extremely tiring), within 2 weeks the mild depression subsided. Two weeks later, a friend invited me to a women's circle. There was nothing special there, just the fellowship of women. But as soon as the women's circle started, I started to cry. The so-called "ugly crying" with sounds, mucous, snots, etc... non-stop for a good hour. This was especially important to me because my depression had taken me into such a catatonic, emotionless state that it scared the hell out of me. I am a sensitive person, and at that time I could not feel anything. Neither "positive" nor "negative" emotions. It was like I had become a robot. And it was in this circle of women that a fountain broke out and I regained connection with my feelings. What deep joy to be able to feel again! :)

I decided that while I don't know what to do with my life, I might as well learn something. I decided to learn Qigong. I strongly felt that this experience had splattered me so much, because I was living in emotions and visions without grounding my body at all. Therefore, I wanted a body centered practice. I was afraid that the condition might return at any time. I had anxiety attacks for a while. But through them, I strongly experienced that it was not meditation or some mental releases, but physical movement that magically solved these problems for me (for example, I felt anxiety and could feel it for a good half day, try to feel it out, meditate, release... or do 20 minutes of Qigong warm-up and anxiety would wanish magically). I strongly felt how powerful and important a tool the physical body is in the spiritual journey. And how important it is to be grounded if you want to fly without losing yourself. For a while I practiced Qigong daily, now I do it whenever I feel like it (I always do it before or during deep spiritual practices) and I recently started taking Pole Dance lessons and spend time on physical strengthening every week. I honestly notice that as the body gets stronger, so does the soul's ability to fly with a solid foundation. And unexpected benefits also appear: for example, my singing teacher noticed that it was precisely after strengthening the body that the progress in singing accelerated.

The complete realization of the meaninglessness of the cycle of life and death, ironically, helped me love life more. To very consciously choose what I spend my time on. Stop doing things that don't make you happy because I have to or because others do. To ask myself every minute what do I really want to do now?... to worry much less about what others will think...

When I was in this crazy state, I took my gorgeous Malachite. It looked like the earth, and from another angle you could see the silhouette of a human face. I really loved that stone. I took it to the forest and placed it there because I wanted to manifest the wonderful land we would live on. I wanted to give something very precious to really make the manifestation happen. After returning from Tenerife in about a month we found that land and bought it. Sometimes I feel a longing for that stone, there is a part of me that thinks I was a fool to throw that stone away and that this land is not what it came from. And a small part of me believes in the childish magic of manifestation and that the opportunity to walk on this wonderful land of mine, to live here, is the manifestation of that malachite, which looked like a patch of land, into a land of a size that I can live in and walk on .

It didn't take long to follow my highest excitement and the signs sent by the universe, and sacredlotus was born. An activity of my soul path manifesting for which I am extremely grateful to the universe.

Would I recommend this experience to someone? I really wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But at the same time, I am very grateful that I went through it and learned so many experiences and lessons...

And I share it precisely because I want to remind you to take care of your body and your connection with your root, your connection with the earth, if you are traveling on a spiritual path. Because the great opening of the sky without standing firmly on the ground leads to an very tricky, difficult to navigate journey. And by grounding that energy, everything can be experienced, learned and integrated in complete harmony.

During the last practice in Selva's retreat, we connected with our wombs, asked a question and with closed eyes painted with beetroot juice, that symbolizes the blood of our wombs. When we finished painting, we tried to read the messages given my this painting and then Selva came and said what she saw. She told me that she can see that I am receiving a lot of information from the medicine of the nature, astrals... And also that the root is grounding and containing this experience. Strong tree. Strong now, after all this...

I am very happy that I found the courage at Selva's retreat to finally share this experience in the public space.

8/25/2023