Not all abusive relationships look the same. Some hide behind beautiful language — about karma, soul contracts, twin flames, and divine love. And for those walking a spiritual path, it can be deeply confusing when abuse gets wrapped up in spiritual justification. And in some ways this shiny wrapping is even more dangerous. No amount of enlightenment should ever excuse manipulation, harm, or violence.
The Trap of Spiritual Justification
I once watched a documentary about a spiritual leader who would physically abuse his partner, then demand gratitude. He claimed: “I beat you because I saw your karma was bad. If I didn’t take some of it on, you would have died.” This wasn’t just spiritual bypassing — it was spiritualized violence and an extreme form of gaslighting.
I’ve personally encountered a Peruvian shaman with a cult-like group of students. He would extort money, sleep with female clients and students, and his students would justify it all by claiming him to have a "supercomputer mind" — and that if his actions hurt you, it was only because your human mind couldn’t comprehend the deeper blessing in disguise.
This is not rare. In many spiritual communities, the archetype of the charismatic abuser or false guru shows up again and again. They often carry an aura of mystery, deep "wisdom", and special access to divine truth — but charisma does not equal integrity. These individuals gain power, money, and sexual access through seduction and manipulation. They build their authority through secrecy, a lack of accountability, and spiritual jargon that dismisses real harm. When questioned, they often deflect by claiming the other is simply “not ready,” “in ego,” or “still stuck in victimhood.”
Spiritual concepts like “perfect mirrors” are frequently twisted to serve this narrative. Some teachers ask women experiencing violence, “What in you is violent, that your partner must reflect it outwardly?” or “How is this abuse serving you in a positive way?” — as if the harm is her fault for not healing fast enough. Phrases like “step out of victimhood,” “everything is perfect,” “all is love,” or “you are just being triggered” can further add to this distortion.
This kind of thinking can trap someone in danger for years — blaming themselves, hoping that if they just change enough, the abuse will stop. While some of these ideas may be useful later, after leaving the abusive situation, for inner growth and integration of the experience, they are deeply dangerous when used to justify staying in cycles of harm.
This isn’t spiritual growth. It’s grooming. And it’s dangerous.
The Illusion of the Soulmate or Twin Flame
In spiritual circles, we often hear about soulmates and twin flames—deep connections said to be written in the stars, destined unions for growth, transformation, or even spiritual awakening. But these concepts, while beautiful at their core, are frequently twisted into tools of justification for trauma bonds, dependency, and long-term suffering.
It’s easy to believe: “This must be my twin flame because it feels so intense.” But intensity is not the same as love. Trauma bonds are also intense. So is emotional volatility. So is the cycle of abuse, guilt, and reconciliation. These things can mimic the highs and lows of a so-called “divine connection,” but they are rooted in survival patterns, not spiritual destiny.
A real soul connection challenges us to grow—but not by breaking us down. It doesn't require enduring harm in order to evolve. The idea that your partner’s violence or manipulation is part of your spiritual lesson or karma cleansing is a distortion. Abuse is never sacred. Growth can come through challenge, but not through degradation.
It’s important to reclaim these concepts and return them to their true meaning:
- A soulmate is someone who supports your healing, not someone who wounds you to "wake you up."
- A twin flame should mirror your potential, not your deepest pain and trauma triggers.
- A divine union is built on mutual respect, not chaos and control.
If a relationship consistently causes harm, it’s not a spiritual gift—it’s a signal. True love doesn’t require self-abandonment. And walking away can be the most soul-aligned, spiritually powerful act you ever take.
Spiritual Saviour Complex Isn’t Love
Many women in abusive spiritual dynamics fall into the “saviour complex.” We see our partner's pain. We recognize their inner child. We hear their tragic past. And we believe that if we just love them hard enough, show them enough safety, and stay long enough—they will transform. That we were brought into their life to save them.
But trying to save or change someone is not real compassion. In fact, it can be deeply hurtful to the person we’re trying to "fix." Because beneath the saviour complex is a subtle form of control or even superiority: the belief that we know better than them who they should become.
True love and compassion can only exist in acceptance. Acceptance that this person may never change. Acceptance that it’s their journey, not ours to shape. Our job is not to save them. It’s to hold love in our heart while also holding boundaries. And those boundaries may include walking away completely, especially if we’re being harmed.
Isolation and Gaslighting
Abusive dynamics often involve subtle isolation. A partner might discourage outside friendships, imply others don’t understand your “special connection,” or warn you not to trust therapists or loved ones who question the relationship. Spiritual gaslighting often reinforces this: “They don’t get our connection — they’re not awake enough.”
The more isolated you become, the harder it is to find perspective. You may begin to doubt your own inner voice and intuition.
It’s Not “Unspiritual” to Walk Away
In fact, sometimes it’s the most sacred act of self-respect your soul can make.
Choosing yourself—your peace, your safety, your wholeness—can be a far deeper spiritual initiation than staying in suffering hoping it becomes holy.
It needs huge courage and strength and it means letting go of beliefs that have been deeply wired into your identity:
- That a “good” relationship is one that lasts forever.
- That you must have attracted this partner because of your flaws. (And he is helping you to transform them)
- That love means never giving up, no matter how much it hurts.
- That your suffering must have some grand, redemptive meaning—otherwise it was all for nothing.
- That if you just heal enough, or love him harder, you’ll unlock the version of him you’re meant to have.
But sometimes, the only redemption… is your freedom.
The spiritual path isn’t about how much you can endure—it’s about how clearly you can see. And sometimes the highest initiation is in saying:
“I choose to protect my spirit and my life. I choose to walk away.”
You Deserve Better
Real spiritual relationships aren’t free of conflict — but they are rooted in mutual respect, safety, and shared growth. You don’t have to sacrifice yourself for someone else’s healing. You don’t have to earn love through pain.
If you're in a harmful dynamic, it’s not your job to become more forgiving, more patient, or more “enlightened.” Your only job is to listen to your inner truth — and act on it.
Please seek out safe people who can help you see the situation clearly, without distortion. And if you don’t have someone to reach out to, I’m here. Feel free to get in touch — I will listen.
You are allowed to choose peace.